Heartbreaking Bravery

Heartbreaking Bravery recently went offline but all facets of the site are back to being fully operational. Apologies for any inconveniences. All posts that were slated to run during that brief hiatus will appear with this note.

Sonia Weber had an incredibly impressive run in 2016. Not only did Weber’s own project, Alien Boy, release an outstanding record but the two of us met when Weber was touring as part of Mo Troper‘s band on the back of a record that was one of this site’s Album of the Year picks. Not everything was positive, though, and in this piece, the multi-talented musician turns a lens on some personal anguish. It’s a poignant piece that effortlessly invokes an empathetic response and one of the most personal pieces to ever grace this series. Read it below and then let the good, important people in your life know that they have your love.

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For almost everyone I talk to 2016 has been a shit show. For me personally, it’s unbelievable how different my life is now compared to the beginning of the year. I met Steven (who asked me to contribute to this) on my first full US tour, I don’t even really remember where. It was somewhere before Chicago. It was hot, we were tired, we went bowling, I got drunk, and the show was great. That’s how almost every day went, and I was happy.

I had spent the first half of the year more depressed than I’ve ever been. My favorite person in the whole world wasn’t in my life anymore, my mental health was at an all time low, and her new date was my co-worker. It’s was like ground hogs day for heartbreak. I wasn’t feeling better because reliving it in my head a hundred times a week was turning me into a barely functioning anxiety blob.

This is the point in the story where my brother Jacob would tell me that “I’m not special”. A joke we started on Thanksgiving as we were comparing horror stories of 2016. And I agree, everyone gets their heart broken. I’m not special.

Steven asked me what moment meant the most to me in 2016. I don’t know if I can say this “meant the most to me” but it sure does stand out.

The moment I lashed out. The moment I found the part of me that was mean and angry. One long angry (embarrassing) text message. Something I had never really done before. It made me feel sick. I was exhausted and sad and tired of everyone else getting to act like an asshole. I decided that night half drunk in bed that I wanted to be an asshole. And that was that. A messy break turned into a clean break.

I don’t know if I meant it, and I don’t know if it was worth it.

I haven’t talked to her in 7 months now. I think about her everyday. I wish I could tell her I loved her and that I really do hope she’s happy. Sometimes I almost do.

The seven or eight weeks between that and tour I just tried to distract myself. I tried not to hate myself for doing it (only worked sometimes). I still thought about her every day but it was easier thinking that maybe she hated me.

And then I left. And I still thought about her every day, but I was far away. And then farther away. And I sometimes was happy.

I have since returned and it still fucking sucks. But with low lows comes high highs, and every once in a while I can make myself feel like it was all supposed to happen like this (right before I turn back into the raging angry monster I unleashed who now makes bi-monthly appearances).

One day I won’t think about her every day. Or maybe I will.